Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I did not eat the cake…
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-