Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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watergate? u mean a dam??
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
True?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I think about this a lot
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*