I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
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therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year