It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
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me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.