[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
You Might Also Like
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Breaking news:
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean