you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
You Might Also Like
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
#Caturday
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.