Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of sara_ashlynn's best tweets

@sara_ashlynn : My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

@sara_ashlynn: I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

@sara_ashlynn: My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

@sara_ashlynn: When I'm mad at my kid, I don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

@sara_ashlynn: My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can't wait to do this to my kids.

@sara_ashlynn: Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

@sara_ashlynn: I'm a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

@sara_ashlynn: My daughter said, "You're the best mommy ever!"

I'm really proud that she's learning sarcasm at such a young age.

@sara_ashlynn: Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

@sara_ashlynn: I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.