marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
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I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is