If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.