washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
You Might Also Like
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
2 years later
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear