I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
You Might Also Like
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!