It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen