*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
The Joker was right
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.