All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
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Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.