Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
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“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
You better watch out
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
😍😂🥰😂😍
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
A leaf blower, but for people.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.