ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?