I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.