Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.