I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.