Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
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Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo