My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
You Might Also Like
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”