[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
When they try to steal your moment.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.