At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
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My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
🤣
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.