Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
You Might Also Like
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.