Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of scorpicpanda's best tweets

@scorpicpanda : *gets ponytail caught in elevator door *hands phone to stranger "Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?"

@scorpicpanda: I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I'm more cultured than I actually am.

@scorpicpanda: If there's awkward silence & he asks what you're thinking about "emotionally damaged werewolves" is not the best answer. I know this now.

@scorpicpanda: {discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.

@scorpicpanda: 5: "I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads."

Me: "I'll have whatever that kid's having."

@scorpicpanda: Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*

Him: "Where's the food and why are you naked?"

Me: "Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic."

@scorpicpanda: It's like Grandma used to say, "All men are hilarious, until you marry one."

@scorpicpanda: Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits.

JK. He was like, "I wanna marry you." And I was like, "K."

@scorpicpanda: Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.

@scorpicpanda: My mom likes to call from baseball games just to say she can't hear me 25 times.