Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both