It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer