CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn