i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
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Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?