Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
You Might Also Like
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.