[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes