Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.