I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
*cough*
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.