Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of seamussaid's best tweets

@seamussaid : I'd like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time - there's no way I'm going down on a donkey

@seamussaid: gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don't fall for it

@seamussaid: the owl's distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

@seamussaid: being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can't drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

@seamussaid: (1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole's law

@seamussaid: my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

@seamussaid: (Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

@seamussaid: my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen's phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

@seamussaid: only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

@seamussaid: FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in.... another piece of paper