Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of seamussaid's best tweets

@seamussaid : (1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole's law

@seamussaid: my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

@seamussaid: (Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

@seamussaid: my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen's phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

@seamussaid: only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

@seamussaid: FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in.... another piece of paper

@seamussaid: when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

@seamussaid: hey Disney-Pixar here's an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

@seamussaid: I may toss the cat into my teen's room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that's his own fault

@seamussaid: my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store