Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.