Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
*skinny dips into black hole
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon