Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
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[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Was it something I said?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
@ candidates for local office
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes