me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW