getting corrected
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*