6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
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[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
True statement👍😏😁
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess