i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
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[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
hmmm
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.