For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
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Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The only equipped I am is ill.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.