At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.