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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Do one person every day that scares you.