Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
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You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.