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my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
And that about sums it up.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?