My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit