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*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.