If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
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i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
All. The. Damn. Time.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.