Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
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99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Hank is one in a melon.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain