local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
You Might Also Like
just left a huge legacy in there
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
buying dead houseplants to save time
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle