[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.